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By Jordan Martin
SouthernPigskin Columnist
SouthernPigskin Columnist Jordan Martin takes a humorous look at the off-season training routines of the SEC mascots. Follow us on Twitter at Twitter.com/SouthernPigskin. Become a fan of us on Facebook at the SouthernPigskin.com Facebook Page
Hail to the mascot! While our ears hearken for the clammoring of helmets and pads and our eyes yearn for the sight of gridiron warfare, we have the summer to keep us busy. Then there are the rainy days, the boiling hot days and the sleepless nights. This article is born of a combination of those days and an outrageous question I'd posed in my mind. "What would the mascots do in the offseason?" Now for the sake of argument we already know the true answer to that, but I threw the memo out that claimed silliness and imagination had no place in reality anymore. I've omitted the universities' live animal counterparts so as to not stir PETA's vitriol. Nah, I'm just kidding. Seriously, what would you do with a russian boar or a gamecock? Nevermind, forget I asked.
-If I'm owed some money and need to muscle it out of somebody- Big Red (Arkansas) - Seriously, look at Big Red. He's terrifying. Forget the fact he has tusks. Look at those cold, dead eyes and the way he furrows his eyebrows! *shivers*
-Lazy Summer Sunday- Colonel Reb (Ole Miss) - Though he will no longer represent the team, an official successor has not been announced yet and he still has his share of stories about the university and his time with the school. Colonel Reb could tell tales of all the good times at Mississippi while, as he puts it, it was still "Ole Miss" to him.
-Back Me Up In a Bar Fight- Cocky (USC) - I debated this one for a while. Albert has the size and reach advantage. Hairy Dawg has an intimidating scowl and bulk to match. What it really comes down to is breeding. Cocky was born a scrapper, built to fight. Carolina has seen their share of disappointments, but Cocky has kept everyone feeling cockstrong, waiting to fight again. You need that kind of never-say-die attitude if the odds are against you!
-Pulling Lighthearted Pranks Around Town- Bully (Mississippi State) - Mississippi State is often overlooked across several sports in the SEC landscape. Despite this, the people of Starkville have remained optimistic and have utilized external elements such as the cowbell to distract and frustrate opposing teams. These antics made me feel like Bully would be up for some innocent, yet mischievous antics for self-amusement. Yes, that means more cowbell.
-Night at the Casino- Mike the Tiger (LSU) - The costume version, not the real one. Though, the more I think about it, that might give me some leverage at the roulette wheel. Les Miles takes chances, and I've seen him take a number of short time or 4th-down gambles that made me look at the costumed Mike. Straight faced, no-nonsense...perfect for the poker table.
-House Party Bouncer- Hairy Dawg (UGA) - Whether expectations are mild or high, the Bulldogs always come prepared. When things are going great, Hairy handles his role with high energy and when things aren't going so well...well, you can't teach old "dawgs" some tricks, and you can't teach this one to roll over. If the party is lively, he'll keep uninvited guests from crashing it. If the turnout isn't so good, he'll be there to keep those in attendance entertained. It's a win-win.
-Sports Bar Buddy- Big Al (Alabama) - This is one instance where the elephant in the room won't be ignored. Alabama fans can be some of the most vocal advocates and critics across the vast world of collegiate and professional sports. It provides for stimulating viewing with little dry space in the middle. As long as Aubie doesn't show up and the Tide is rolling, there shouldn't be much to it but enjoying the event, eating peanuts and tossing back a few cold ones.
-Carnival Cat- Aubie (Auburn) - There's something about Aubie's disposition that welcomes nothing but fun-going. He's shown he can continuously wear his smile and keep his energy up through the rollercoaster of highs and lows that has been part of Auburn sports for a long while. We'll see if he can keep his head on straight through the rides and through the upcoming season.
-Birthday Bonanza- Scratch and the Wildcat (Kentucky) - Sure, you could hire clowns to make baloon animals. Or you could hire two costumed animals to cut out the middle man, so to speak. Not every football game is a picnic in Lexington, and though conditions have improved greatly over the past few years, the football program still lives (albeit unfairly) in the shadow of Kentucky's basketball program. Still, like any birthday party, you can rest assured that at least once a year, the Wildcats will have a reason for celebration on the football field with either a high quality motivational win or an unexpected upset.
-Fishing at the Docks- Albert (Florida) - I'm not sure what kind of fisherman (fishergator?) Albert is, but he could teach me a few lessons about patience and the nature of fishing itself. For years a national title eluded the Gators until Steve Spurrier took over in the 90s. When you catch that fish and mount the trophy on your wall, you're spoiled on the success. You want to taste victory again. The Gators had to wait until the arrival of Urban Meyer, and caught not one, but two in his tenure. Sometimes you have to have the right bait and conditions.
-Hunting- Smokey (Tennessee) - While the live hound dog would serve better for technical purposes, costumed Smokey might have a thing or two to prove as well. The Vols have a proud tradition and a loyal fan base. While the hunt for greatness hasn't produced results of late, the hunt has never ceased. In an age where hunting has gone from provisional need to sport, the opposite can be said about Tennessee's current state. At one point in time, the sport of it was exciting enough to continue the hunt with the skill and talent they had. After two coaching changes in as many seasons, and the departure of some of their best players, the hunt now becomes more about pride and survival. The SEC is gaining more notoriety each year and is becoming more and more competitive. If Tennessee wishes to survive, they'll have to seek their game out with cunning to put meat back on the table.
-Co-Author a Book With- Mr. C (Vanderbilt) - The oft forgotten team in the SEC's football scope, Vanderbilt maintains their position with unflappable poise and pride of their institution. Mr. C has a rugged, gentlemanly swagger about him and mutton chops that would make Isaac Asimov jealous. The Commodores story would lend itself well to a biography of sorts fromt their own perspective; a "small fish in a big pond" scenario, if you will. Mr. C would talk about the importance of loyalty and perseverance and illustrate the point with Bobby Johnson's tenure. He'd then go on to talk about the importance of academics in collegiate athletics. Without sounding bitter, he might close his remarks by stating those traits may not win titles in today's game, but they haven't been forgotten in major college athletics and he is proud to represent Vanderbilt in that vain.
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Stories written by SouthernPigskin.com columnists are done independently. Views do not always coincide with those of the remainder of the staff or the ownership of SouthernPigskin.com.
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