By BJ Bennett
SouthernPigskin.com

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Did your team underachieve or struggle again? Are you overwhelmed with frustration? This is the perfect way to destroy your team after yet another unacceptable loss.

The SouthernPigskin.com Staff

Did your team underachieve or struggle again?  Are you overwhelmed with frustration?  This is the perfect way to destroy your team after yet another unacceptable loss.

Too frustrated after a loss to bash your head coach or criticize your team?  No worries.  We here at SouthernPigskin.com have created a universal rip-script for any and all fans for every losing team.  Lose in week one?  Rip-script.  Lose two weeks later?  Rip-script.  Get pummeled at home by a heavily-favored power?  Rip-script.  Lose on the road to an undermanned patsy?  Rip-script.  The formula is fool-proof and interchangeable.  Just plug in your team, your players or your head coach – and unleash the fury within!

Keep Rip-Script in your back pocket or wallet for emergency use.  It’s the only way to properly and objectively degrade your team and do so in a self-respecting manner.  Rip-Script is best used on the walk back from the stadium, in the waning moments of obvious losses or days later when recalling the event.  Its versatility is time-tested and fan-approved.  When it doubt, pull it out.  Use Rip-Script on your team after each and every loss.

Study the Rip-Script this off-season, then be ready to go once the games arrive. 

The Rip Script
“That’s (expletive) unbelievable.  How in the (expletive) did we just lose to (winning team)?  They aren’t even that good!  They lost to (other team on schedule)!  They (derogatory verb/sexual action)!  This just goes to show that (coach name) doesn’t have a (expletive) clue as to what is going on.  (Expletive), remember on (down and yardage) when the defense was in the (formation)…he (expletive) (play chosen) when he should have (different play).  It’s simple.  When you are at the (expletive) (yard-line), you just don’t call a (play called).  And that (play), what is this (sports video game)?  (Place you go if you’re a bad person when you die), (opposing coach name) knew what we were doing all day.  It’s like he was (expletive) in our (expletive) huddle.  (Stupidest person you know) could have called a better game than that and he’s a (expletive) (politically incorrect description of weakness).  We are the University of (school name).  We can’t stand for (expletive) like this.  It’s been going on for too (expletive) long and we have all seen it coming.  You saw in the (previous game) and (previous game).  This loss makes the win over (team beaten earlier in the year) irrelevant.  (Head coach) just threw away our entire (year) season!

It all starts at the (expletive) top, too.  (Head coach) better not think he is getting away with this and I don’t want to see him taking away blame from (assistant coach) or (assistant coach) in the press either.  There’s plenty of (expletive) blame to go around.  And (athletic director), he made the (expletive) hire too.  That (derogatory name) couldn’t tell the difference between (bodily waste) and eggs if it sat in from of him on two different plates at breakfast.  As a matter of fact, (athletic director) hired (head coach) from (small school name) anyway didn’t he?  Doesn’t (athletic director) (expletive) know that (your school) just ain’t (small school)?  That (scheme) might have worked at (small school), but this is the (conference name)!  What the (expletive) was he thinking?!  (Head coach) never was qualified for this job and (athletic director) knew it.  It’s (expletive) showing now.  I still don’t understand how we didn’t get (NFL coach).   

Right when I start to take (head coach) seriously, he (expletive) goes out does something like this.  (Head coach) never has been a good game-day manager.  He recruits all the (expletive) talent in the world, but can’t coach those boys up.  It’s time for a (expletive) change.  (Expletive), it’s waaaaaay past time for a change.  We’ve already fallen behind (rival school) and those (derogatory name) (expletive) (sexual action).  (Head coach) must be fired now.  (Expletive) underachiever.  I don’t want to hear about (last good season) or (another good season in recent memory) either, you can’t live off (repeat good seasons) forever.  We just aren’t what we used to be, (friend’s name).  It’s a (expletive) shame really.  A few (derogatory name) can ruin something that is so (positive adjective) to so many people. 

While I’m (expletive) at it, too…(quarterback/running back) is a complete (body part).  How (player name) thinks he can be a leader as a (year in school) at (school name) is just beyond me.  They need to quit being (derogatory name) and put (reserve player) in there.  He’s been dominating in practice.  Didn’t he have a (big play, probably one that didn’t actually happen) in the (spring game name)?  I think (reserve name) did!  I’ve been telling everyone, he’s the next (great player from long ago).  Speaking of (great player from long ago)…remember back in the day when he used to dominate (rival) and win (conference name) championships?  (Expletive), he was a freaking (reference to deity) and he used to (fabricated community service story) too.  We miss ya’ (hero name). 

The (expletive) (position of choice) is just (demeaning adjective) too.  I don’t want to hear about the fact that (player name) and (player name) have (random injury), if you can’t show up for the (winning team name) game, then you are a (expletive) (body part).  I swear, back when (former coach) was here, that (expletive) didn’t happen.  (Expletive) superstars.  Don’t know what a (expletive) team is.  You (expletive) saw it on the field on (day of loss). 

And only (derogatory name) fans are okay with this.  They see things through (team color) and (team color) colored glasses and just never want a change.  Those (expletive) homers are what is (expletive) wrong with this program.

You know I’m getting too old for this.  (X number of years ago) I could have taken this, but I’m (age) now.  My (ailing organ) can’t take this (expletive) anymore.  Is (head coach) (expletive) trying to kill me?  I mean really, (friend’s name), is he?  Sometimes I wonder why I care so much.  (Close relative) has been telling me for (number of years) that I get too involved with (school name) football.  (Head coach) is just making me wonder why I’m even here, what I’m even doing. 

I’m just at a (expletive) loss, (friend’s name).  You won’t see my name on any more checks to the (booster club name) or (school name).  And I’ll tell you what, you won’t see me step one foot inside (stadium name) until (athletic director) does something about (head coach).  I’m not going to spend (dollar amount) to fill my (car name) up with gas and drive all the way out to (college town) just to see us get (brutal description of violence).  You just can’t lose to (winning team) and be a quality program.  From here on out, I’m keeping my happy (body part) in (city of residence) until a change is made.

I can’t wait to get home and watch (sports show) on TV.  I’m sure all of the (derogatory name) on (sports show) will be whooping and hollering because (winning team name) kicked the (bodily waste) out of us.  I really can’t wait for tomorrow when (hated sportswriter) unleashes his (expletive) rant.  We, actually they, deserve it this time around. 

There is no (expletive) way we can even think about the (conference) title game.  Looks like we’re a lock for the (pre-Christmas Bowl game). 

(Expletive)…we (sexual act).

Note: this is all in good fun and is an exaggerated example of how irrational fans get after a loss.

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