How Will Johnny Football Handle Media Days?
By Devan Scott
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Could the following secenarios really happen with Johnny Manziel at SEC Media Days?
Johnny Manziel is, to borrow a term from Almost Famous, a Flaming Golden God in the twitter/sensationalist media age we live in. His offseason has almost guaranteed himself a future career in reality television if his remarkable football skills don’t translate to the NFL as some scouts suggest. Recently, John P. Football himself was arrested for an altercation in Brazos County, because Johnny does amazing things on accident that we sportswriters can almost endlessly thank him for (Brazo is Spanish for arm, there are too many puns to run with here so I’ll spare you from making them). With his most recent incident and SEC Media Days upon us, we thought we’d put together five things Johnny could do that, based on his ongoing offseason of wonderment, would in no way, shape, or form surprise us. Without further ado and in no particular order here they are:
Reveal himself to be a concept artist:
Johnny Manziel is an amazing football player. However, as a young boy growing up in East Texas he grew to have a disdain for the way the media portrayed football players (probably inspired by the OJ Simpson trial). Johnny decided then as a toddler he would cast off the shackles of oppression and become a sterling quarterback and take the media by storm. He would then go forth to have the kind of offseason only R. Kelly can dream of and make headlines every week by just generally being a ridiculous human being.
After all of this he takes SEC Media Days, also known as the greatest assembly of humans speaking ever, to point out that it was all a joke to satirize our modern lifestyles and dependence on sensationalist media. His cryptic tweet about leaving College Station becomes much clearer when he reveals he will not return to aTm in the fall to join Damien Hirst and Banksy on a new project called Reverse Borat where they go to Kazakhstan and pretend to be backwards Americans.
Reveal himself to be Lennay Kekua:
Yes. We’re going here. Just bear with us cause it gets creative okay?
We all know the Manti Te’o story. ESPN lost. Notre Dame lost (by a lot). Te’o lost. The only two winners were that guy who makes Catfish and Deadspin. Everyone else lost. Well we here have uncovered the true story (Note: What is following this is not a true story).
When he was a mere high school football star instead of the all-seeing god of wonder we know him to be today, Johnny Football saw a linebacker for Notre Dame that he thought was a pretty good player. So he seduced him. When Mr. Football realized he was going to win the Heisman Trophy, he realized he needed some competition to make it more interesting (Johnny loves attention. Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” was actually written about him). So this, combined with the fact that he had Sarah Savage and no longer needed the affections of the only Samoan in Indiana, led to him FAKING HIS OWN FREAKING DEATH. Him, obviously being the persona of Lennay he made up to lure in Te’o.
Yes, John “Lennay Kekua” Paul Football-Manziel made up the whole tragic death story so more people would jump on the Te’o bandwagon to make the Heisman race closer. That way his impending victory got more attention, because it was actually considered a race instead of the snoozefest of 2010 when we all knew Cam Newton was gonna win. Johnny is a showman if nothing else. That’s our story and we’re sticking to it.
Provide a Slide Show of His Trip To Cancun With AJ McCarron
This particular writer for Southern Pigskin is kind of lazy so he doesn’t know if they actually ended up going. But it was in the rumor mill for a while so we’re gonna run with it. Remember when your aunt would come over with a projector and show you slides of her vacation to New Mexico? Neither do we, but we saw it on a TV show once so it sounded good. Johnny will do this about Cancun. While imagination can only go so far to ponder what they actually did, here are some guesses:
• Solve a sexy mystery while Johnny was in his Scooby Doo costume
• Fly the Blue Angels
• Take a picture with Tupac
• Take a picture with Elvis
• Take a picture with Tupac and Elvis
• Figure out which ridiculous show Katherine Webb needs to be on next (The correct answer is Wipeout)
• Perform a Hot Wheels style vertical loop in a golf cart
• Drunkenly cure AIDS, forget the answer the next morning
• Commit a minor recruiting violation
• Lick their elbows (it’s physically impossible, after reading this you’ll still try it though)
• Find Jimmy Hoffa
• Solve the problem of the Grassy Knoll in the Kennedy assassination
At this point everyone besides Nick Saban’s head explodes, because he is the only one who can comprehend their level of awesome.
Answer every question like Michael Scott
Seeing as Michael Scott is my middle and last name combined, I’ve never seen The Office. However, I do know enough about the show to write this section of a comedic football article. Imagine the following Q & A:
Reporter: Mr. Manziel, you had a fantastic freshman season, you accounted for over 4,600 yards and became the first freshman to ever win the Heisman; do you think you can pick up where you left off?
Manziel: That’s what she said
Reporter: Your breakout game last year was in Tuscaloosa, do you think this year again you will be able to tame the Crimson Tide?
Manziel: That’s what she said
Reporter: Defenses have had an entire offseason to plan for your unique style of play, will you make adjustments?
Manziel: That’s what she said
Reporter: You recently went on a vacation with AJ McCarron, how was it and when you played football on the beach who was under center?
Manziel: See my slideshow, and that’s what she said
For the sake of mercy and length restraints, I’ll stop there. You can totally see that happening right? Right.
Reveal He’s Dating Taylor Swift
Okay this was too obvious to NOT write about. Taylor Swift, despite being average looking, in my opinion, seems to get just about any man she wants. And what woman wouldn’t want to date Johnny Football? He’s soon to be a hot property in the NFL (Tim Tebow has proven you don’t need to actually be a good player on the field to warrant media attention) and obviously knows how to have a good time.
Johnny will inevitably dump her, at which point she will write a terrible breakup song portraying herself as the victim that incorporates football. Then we will have to hear ESPN play it EVERY SATURDAY IN THE FALL BECAUSE THEY HATE YOU. I guarantee you will get really good at timing your bathroom breaks so you come back 30 seconds after commercials end in this scenario.
Note: In this last scenario we take Sarah Savage off his hands and live happily ever after.